Painful

I don't even know what to do.
I think I can't handle it...because of the stress.
The insecure security. The knowledge that someone else is talking to him right now.
I'm not mature enough to handle that kind of relationship.
Maybe I never will be.
But I can See myself with him in years and years.
Not now.
What can I do????
Just cuz he lied to me ages ago - said he'd be home all the time
Well, that's turned into holidays and too surprise you.
Not home very much
And he's obviously fine with it
I feel weak around him
Boneless (like Ivar) and filled with hateful, tragic thoughts
I almost cried twice today with him.
And I don't know if he cared.
But he still says he loves me.
He still says he cares
He teases me
He looks at me sometimes
He holds my hands and kisses my lips.
How many times has he lied to me, though?
Oh...why do I have to love him so much?
Because...

Seattle

I have a cousin named elorie
Who I have never seen
It is because of useless spite
And pointless grudges
That I haven't ever seen elorie
But I know she's there
So I'll pray for her anyways

My children's names

Emilie Athena: to strive or excel or rival, goddess of wisdom and war
Titus Aristotle: honor, defender, giant, pleasing, best
April Ann: opening, gracious, merciful
Jason Gabriel: healer, God is my strength

So Not a poem

Today is my two-month! I know...it sounds rather lame...but I'm happy!

Shortstop

Don't come near
Or you will be let down
Don't look closely
Or every feeling will go away
Don't love too hard

Ways of Devotion

A halved heart
Is far from broken
Yet must be broken
To be made one.

A halved heart
Is not divided
But bound
By one Faith.

A halved heart
Is the strongest
Because two beats
Are united.

A halved heart,
Though,
Is the easiest to break.

Under the leaves

Why does the rain smell like cinnamon?
Steamy, thickened in distrust;
Clearing the air with haunts of rightness.
Surprise like drops -
fat, boisterous drops -
Patters my face my hair my neck.
Bewildered thunder rumbles in solitary certainty.
The rain smells like cinnamon.
It smells like angered hearts and falling memories
And love and dancing.
If the rain smells like cinnamon,
The time has come for happiness.