Painful

I don't even know what to do.
I think I can't handle it...because of the stress.
The insecure security. The knowledge that someone else is talking to him right now.
I'm not mature enough to handle that kind of relationship.
Maybe I never will be.
But I can See myself with him in years and years.
Not now.
What can I do????
Just cuz he lied to me ages ago - said he'd be home all the time
Well, that's turned into holidays and too surprise you.
Not home very much
And he's obviously fine with it
I feel weak around him
Boneless (like Ivar) and filled with hateful, tragic thoughts
I almost cried twice today with him.
And I don't know if he cared.
But he still says he loves me.
He still says he cares
He teases me
He looks at me sometimes
He holds my hands and kisses my lips.
How many times has he lied to me, though?
Oh...why do I have to love him so much?
Because...